Facebook and Twitter were on fire when I woke up today, after the University of Alabama’s campus paper the Crimson-White broke the shocking, shocking, oh so shocking news that UA’s SGA president, Grant Cochran, has resigned.
UA students are weaned on ghost stories of “The Machine,” the shadowy Greek organization that supposedly holds the Student Government Association in the palm of its hand, rigging elections and keeping independents from winning major offices. A nobody like me, for example, can be appointed Ambassador to the Libraries probably only because nobody else applied. I’m so bottom-tier, I get left off email lists.
Which means I really don’t know what I’m talking about. BUT, I do think that if something this dramatic had to happen, it should at least be for reasons less mundane than what the CW reported at 3:27 am–that “SGA President Grant Cochran has resigned amid allegations that irregularities occurred in the selections process for the SGA’s First Year Council, a freshman leadership forum within the student government.”
Come on people–booted from office because of freshmen? How terribly banal. In the interest of totally unfounded conspiracy theories, here are my 3 Way More Interesting Explanations for El Presidente’s Resignation:
1. The Illuminati
Everyone knows that Alabama’s practically the buckle on the Bible belt. The shiny, happy, hymn-singing buckle. But what you probably don’t know is that the Illuminati have a strong presence in campus affairs as well.
That’s right. Albino, self-flagellating monks a la DaVinci Code forced UA’s SGA President to resign. Probably, they pressured him into putting their Catholic First-Year Council applicants at the top of the list, thus furthering their hegemonic control over campus politics. I would suggest the Homecoming Queen watch out. She’s next.
2. British Alien Malleteers
No list of conspiracy theories could possibly hope to be complete without positing something, anything, about extraterrestrial life. But I don’t mean just any aliens. I mean a creature like that British sci-fi show alien Doctor Who. There’s a reason so many Malleteers walk s0 jauntily around campus in their TARDIS shirts–and it’s not just because they’re fans of the show. That would be lame.
It’s because they know it’s based in reality, and that the Day of Judgment has come.
I’ve been doing some close reading of the Mallet gospel, that mystical piece of 1970s literature called “The Book of Marvin.” Let’s look at Chapter One:
3. And the Priests raised their voices in a great wail, saying, “O Mallet, why hast Thou abandoned us? Where be the Strength of Mallet, which saveth the seat of Power, which dismayeth the Greek, which shunneth the way of conformity, which maketh us to be honored above all Men?”
5. And Mallet said, “Yea, my Priests do suffer grievous pain, at the hand of the Greek and the cockroach, of the administrator and the Department of Health.”
6.”Lo, I shall send down a new Spirit, who shall have all Power over the enemies of the Priests of the Spirit Mallet; and he shall be called Marvin.”
7. “And He shall have dominion over the fowl of the air and the beast of the field, and the Greek and the jock shall He lay low; then will the Priests of the Spirit Mallet be honored above all Men.”
Obv, that speaks for itself. The writers of the Book of Marvin propesied THIS VERY DAY. The Greek has been laid low–at the hands of a spirit “sent down” from space. A spirit named Marvin.
Naturally, keeping people from seeing the connection between Marvin and the popular tv series based on his spacetime adventures, is why we talk about Doctor Who instead of the true name, Doctor Marvin.
3. Vampire Takeover
It seems curious to me that this news story was released at 3:27 am… until I considered who exactly was doing the releasing. Quite clearly, vampires–strictly nocturnal, remember–have taken over the campus media. If you recall, earlier in the year the CW ran a large number of articles and opinion pieces on the policies (or lack thereof) regarding student organization seating. The point of all this was doubtless an attempt to distract from the real drama going down this football season:
If students could be kept riled up over the unfairness of block seating, letters to the editor about blood-sucking monsters attacking fans could be kept out of the papers. Those people you see passed-out drunk tailgating might not be drunk after all. They might be half drained of blood, struggling for life and their humanity as hundreds of mindless students and alumni carouse all around them.
Hey, why do you think we call it the Crimson Tide?